If General George Patton were alive and President of
the USA, this would be
his Fireside Speech:
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has
been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money
on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal
of all American forces
>from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30
days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the
names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.
This list is short: The
United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway
and Poland are some of
the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first
list. Most of the world's
nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this
evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to
those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and
indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for
the costs of the Iraqi
war.
The American people are no longer going to pour
money into third world
hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow
fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work
to cut taxes and solve
some local problems.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations
Screw with us and we will
hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends
from the face of the
earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try
France, or maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. You, boys.
Work out a peace deal
now. Just note that Camp David is closed.
Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations.
They have some great
palaces there. Big tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help,
comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to
begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more
than two unpaid tickets
to sites where those vehicles will be stripped,
shredded and crushed.
I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this.
Pay your tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be
turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love
New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List
2. Since we are going to
be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might
want to try not pissing
us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2.
President Fox and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I have a couple of
extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around.
Guess where I'm gonna put
'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something
with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the
NAFTA treaty--starting
now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare
and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them
by saying darn tootin'.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a
decent life around the world
has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to cut taxes here because we will not be
spending on other
peoples problems.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks
guys. We owe you.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop
dead. God bless America.
Thank you and good night.
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crappy
morose
crushed
envious
blah
enthralled